Mama I’m going to Disney

Confidence is the one characteristic trait we all admire yet the one trait most rarely ever possess.

How ironic right ?

How is confidence something most rarely succeed at mastering ?

We could read the Webster dictionary definition, every google scholar article on how to improve your confidence but ultimately

Confidence is what we deep down believe about ourselves at our core.

It use to be humerus to me that an adjective people would describe me as was confident.

But the more I reflected on what it truly meant to be a confident person I didn’t fit the criteria. I was always overthinking

Doubting myself

Second guessing my work

Shying away from competition

Comparing myself

These were all the things that completely describes the opposite of a “confident person”

In reality what I was can be described simply as bold. If I didn’t care about the consequences than fear wasn’t in the equation.

Fear is that annoying friend who is paranoid about everything

Always holding your shoulder the moment you might do something fear deems “risky”

But fear is your friend who doesn’t want you to get hurt

Fear is a familiar friend

We trust fear so we step back

And turn around because why wouldn’t we trust our friend who wants to keep us safe ?

The irony is fear keeps us safe

And unsatisfied with our life choices

Forever roaming the

Boulevard of broken dreams

Alongside our buddy fear is ego

Ego is a friend we are all too familiar with

The way ego always steps in to spare our feelings from embarrassment

Ego clearly must be our protector

Ego and Fear are our two best pals that always keeps us irony stuck and unhappy. What great company we willly keep

All to be “safe” and “comfortable”

The pandemic in 2020 truly destroyed all illusions we cling to Maintain our “peace of mind”

I truly feel my life shattered

Everything I believed to be true

Went up in flames so quickly my brain couldn’t process so much trauma

We all sat at home and watch the world turn upside down before our eyes

What started off as something nobody batted an eye to

Quickly turned into a living horror movie

That seemed unstoppable

We all so many questions

So many doubts

So many fears

Was I next ?

What about my friends and family ?

Our minds and bodies went into survival mode

Because how else does one prepare for a National pandemic

During this time

I had more time to reflect on all my life choices

That brought me here

To living a life I barely recognized

Something that was comfortable

But didn’t put that twinkle in my eyes

When I spoke about it

I had a hard look at my life and I was disappointed

Because it was my fault

For the first time I took accountability

Of my choices and

I knew I had two choices

I could keep feeling sorry and continue this miserable mind numbing life

Or I could dare to step out side of the reality I’ve know my whole life and plunge head first into a new dimension of possibilities and adventures.

So in 2020 I wrote my first manuscript

And for so long I didn’t know what I wanted that story to tell until this moment. I wrote that story to release all of the pain that weighed my soul down. After an ultimate betrayal by a friend, losing the person I called my dad trying to survive a National pandemic, finishing my last semester of graduate school I felt my world had completely shattered.

That story held so much pain and sadness

So much inescapable heartache

The storm that once brewed inside me

Finally escaped

And once allowed to finally just be

Once allowed to break from the inside out

A new being was able to

Emerge in its place

I truly feel in 2020 I died and was reborn into a new creature

That is so powerful

Now it’s time for me to figure out how to harass that power into something worth sharing with others.

This new person

Feels foreign yet familiar

It’s almost like an old friend that You never want to forget

At first I was scared Of this stranger

But the more

I just stopped and watched

And decided to be brave for once and I introduced myself

I was shocked to know this was my long lost friend confidence

I missed this friend so much

It had been so long since I felt

Like a piece of me had returned

But like protective friends

Fear and ego

Have held their grips on me

Always keeping me “safe”

I never thought I would see the day where I no longer want to be be safe

And I’m ready to risk it all

There has only been

A few people in my life where I can say they have achieved success at such elite levels it’s astounding.

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