Confidence is the one characteristic trait we all admire yet the one trait most rarely ever possess.
How ironic right ?
How is confidence something most rarely succeed at mastering ?
We could read the Webster dictionary definition, every google scholar article on how to improve your confidence but ultimately
Confidence is what we deep down believe about ourselves at our core.
It use to be humerus to me that an adjective people would describe me as was confident.
But the more I reflected on what it truly meant to be a confident person I didn’t fit the criteria. I was always overthinking
Second guessing my work
Shying away from competition
These were all the things that completely describes the opposite of a “confident person”
In reality what I was can be described simply as bold. If I didn’t care about the consequences than fear wasn’t in the equation.
Fear is that annoying friend who is paranoid about everything
Always holding your shoulder the moment you might do something fear deems “risky”
But fear is your friend who doesn’t want you to get hurt
Fear is a familiar friend
We trust fear so we step back
And turn around because why wouldn’t we trust our friend who wants to keep us safe ?
The irony is fear keeps us safe
And unsatisfied with our life choices
Forever roaming the
Boulevard of broken dreams
Alongside our buddy fear is ego
Ego is a friend we are all too familiar with
The way ego always steps in to spare our feelings from embarrassment
Ego clearly must be our protector
Ego and Fear are our two best pals that always keeps us irony stuck and unhappy. What great company we willly keep
All to be “safe” and “comfortable”
The pandemic in 2020 truly destroyed all illusions we cling to Maintain our “peace of mind”
I truly feel my life shattered
Everything I believed to be true
Went up in flames so quickly my brain couldn’t process so much trauma
We all sat at home and watch the world turn upside down before our eyes
What started off as something nobody batted an eye to
Quickly turned into a living horror movie
That seemed unstoppable
We all so many questions
So many doubts
So many fears
Was I next ?
What about my friends and family ?
Our minds and bodies went into survival mode
Because how else does one prepare for a National pandemic
During this time
I had more time to reflect on all my life choices
That brought me here
To living a life I barely recognized
Something that was comfortable
But didn’t put that twinkle in my eyes
When I spoke about it
I had a hard look at my life and I was disappointed
Because it was my fault
For the first time I took accountability
Of my choices and
I knew I had two choices
I could keep feeling sorry and continue this miserable mind numbing life
Or I could dare to step out side of the reality I’ve know my whole life and plunge head first into a new dimension of possibilities and adventures.
So in 2020 I wrote my first manuscript
And for so long I didn’t know what I wanted that story to tell until this moment. I wrote that story to release all of the pain that weighed my soul down. After an ultimate betrayal by a friend, losing the person I called my dad trying to survive a National pandemic, finishing my last semester of graduate school I felt my world had completely shattered.
That story held so much pain and sadness
So much inescapable heartache
The storm that once brewed inside me
And once allowed to finally just be
Once allowed to break from the inside out
A new being was able to
Emerge in its place
I truly feel in 2020 I died and was reborn into a new creature
That is so powerful
Now it’s time for me to figure out how to harass that power into something worth sharing with others.
This new person
Feels foreign yet familiar
It’s almost like an old friend that You never want to forget
At first I was scared Of this stranger
But the more
I just stopped and watched
And decided to be brave for once and I introduced myself
I was shocked to know this was my long lost friend confidence
I missed this friend so much
It had been so long since I felt
Like a piece of me had returned
But like protective friends
Fear and ego
Have held their grips on me
Always keeping me “safe”
I never thought I would see the day where I no longer want to be be safe
And I’m ready to risk it all
There has only been
A few people in my life where I can say they have achieved success at such elite levels it’s astounding.